Grief, Time, Memory

I watched Perfect Days recently, the Wim Wenders film about a man who cleans public toilets in Tokyo. It's a brilliant film, quiet and moving. It made me miss Tokyo. The film is set in part in my old neighborhood, Sumida-ku, where the Sky Tree was built after I left. As I watched the film, I recognized the subway entrance at Asakusa near the Sensoji Temple--the confusing one where I always got turned around--and the Sakurabashi--the Cherry Blossom Bridge--the bridge over the river that I crossed at least twice a day every day that I lived in Tokyo. 

Among my brother's things was an expired passport, issued the year I moved to Tokyo. From this, I know that he wanted to come visit me, but he never did. Of all the people I invited, including him, only Dave and April came. I never asked him--or anyone--why they didn't come. People were busy with their own lives. I know that. The only time I came home from Tokyo was when my younger brother died. I came home for his funeral and then went back to Tokyo to finish my contract. When that was done, I came home again. I fell into a deep depression. There were many times I thought I should have stayed in Japan. I regretted leaving. In the years since coming home though, my regret at leaving Tokyo has become easier to live with but it is never completely gone.

The grief  was worse today than it was last week. The shock begins to subside and the awful reality begins to set in. I've been spending a lot of time on the couch, sleeping or more often not sleeping there. When I can sleep, all I want to do is sleep. When I can't sleep, all I want to do is sleep. It took me a long time to get moving today, to leave the safety of the couch. I cried a lot today. In the very late afternoon, I finally forced myself to get up and change out of my pajamas. Dave and I went for a drive. We stopped for a coffee and drove to the co-op. I stayed in the car. We came the long way home as the sun was setting. We saw groups of sandhill cranes heading to the river for the night. I love those birds and I will mourn when climate change drives them to extinction. I hope it's not within my lifetime. 

The sky was dark gray and wintry. The mountains were blotted out by falling snow. 

Neither of us felt like cooking so we ordered food from the okay Indian restaurant. We went out after dark to pick it up.

The Brain is having trouble with time and memory. What day is it. What time is it. What comes next. What came before. There is guilt. There is regret. There is too much time and there is no more time. There are failed attempts to blot it out. To cry it out. To talk it out. To make it less real. There is no sense to it. There is no making sense of it.

My brother's viewing and cremation had to be pushed back six days. A casket has to be custom built. I will order flowers to be draped over it. All this so that we have one final half an hour with him before he is cremated. After that it will be a week or two weeks before his ashes are returned. I hope this is what he wanted. Of all the things to get wrong-- Just add it to the list of things I've gotten wrong.

Rudy

Yesterday Dave, my mother, aunt, and I started the sad task of clearing out my brother's apartment. My aunt and mother took a few things. Dave and I will bring his books and collectables here. I'll keep his t-shirts to use in quilts. It was a rough day.

Kelly and Kevin are just around the corner and they kindly took us in for lunch. We had pizza and subs and sat outside under a gray sky. Lester and Olive came around to beg for food and I can't help but feed them. (They had treats from me and a couple of potato chips each.) We went back to work for a bit after that, loading the truck with filled boxes and totes.

There is still more work to be done, so Dave and I will return to finish up soon. I have yet to pack my brother's books. (The one beside his bed that he was only partway through makes me want to weep whenever I think about packing it up.) We had to take today off because it's just too hard emotionally on both of us. I feel like I got kicked apart yesterday and I know Dave does too. Today, he had some work-related things to finish up and I did some sewing--not much, a few seams, trying to take my mind off things. 

I've edited this to remove too much personal information, but an additionally shortened version of this was published in the Journal this past Friday:

Rudy was born on March 19, 1968. He showed an indomitable spirit in the face of many battles with health issues but passed away suddenly at home on the morning of December 28, 2024, at the age of 56. Rudy attended Valley High School where he lettered in wrestling. He loved to cook and worked for JB's Restaurants for over 20 years before an injury ended his career. Throughout his life, he enjoyed engaging in his hobbies of reading Japanese manga, science fiction and fantasy novels, and collecting unique anime figures. Rudy also enjoyed entertainment and media and had wide ranging tastes that included everything from The Andy Griffith show to Japanese anime to horror movies.  Even after retiring from restaurant work, he still continued to follow restaurant food trends with interest and he enjoyed cooking at home. He was kind, generous, and empathetic, though a very private man. His sensitive nature led him to enjoy observing and commenting on the wildlife around him, from the migrating sandhill cranes to the smallest blue-tailed lizards that lived around his apartment door and who sometimes invited themselves in for a visit.

Rudy had a big heart and left a big impression on everyone he met. He was a beloved son, brother, friend, nephew, and uncle. His family are devastated by his death and he will be intensely missed by those who were close to him. He was pre-deceased by his brother, his grandmother, his beloved Camile, and his father. He is survived by his mother, sister, brother-in-law and closest friend, aunt, niece, great-niece, and many cousins. Per his request, there will be no services, but his family would like all to remember him in their own way.

On the way home from picking up more food for Gray Kitty today, Dave and I tried to remember some happy memories of my brother. Dave has been in our lives for almost forty years, so there are many.

I told Dave about how my brother had tried to teach me how to drive on the freeway. He was 14 and it was his job to teach me how to drive (because my parents were often useless), I was 11, my younger brother Scotty was 9. The three of us had my parents' car (I think back then it was a moss green 1979 Chevy Impala, about the size of an ocean liner) and about $5 in gas money (which was a lot back then) and we would put gas in the car and then take turns driving around the city.  Rudy asked if I wanted to try driving on the freeway and I said yes, so he directed me to a freeway entrance. I didn't know that you had to merge, so I got on the on ramp and sped up and it turned into the off ramp and then I was off the freeway. He was, like, you have to merge! But I had no idea what that meant and even though he explained it to me, I think he was kind of disgusted when I told him that I didn't want to try that again, maybe ever. (But he was not as disgusted as when he was teaching me how to back out of our long driveway in my father's truck and I ran over the fence post and then immediately burst out laughing. He just looked at me and then walked me into the house so that I could tell my parents what had happened. They were not amused either, though it turns out all I had done was tip the fence post in the soft dirt and it was easily straightened.)

In case you were wondering what we looked like back then, this is from that approximate era:

 

Rudy

My older brother died this morning.

I feel dumb with grief.

Christmas Comes But Once A Year

Christmas eve:

Our house, lights and luminarias lit.

Out on the patio. It looks like it might have been late at night, but it was probably around 6 or 6:30 p.m. We had gone out to our old side of town to look at the lights and luminarias. Not so many this year, seems like. Things felt very subdued. We came home and had grilled cheese (d) and tuna melt (me) sandwiches for dinner.

Dave had spent the day making bread, this stollen and the round loaves in the photo before. (Our dinner was on slices from a spelt loaf he made, I think, the day before.)

We ate about half of one of those stollens. It's good but loaded with dried fruit, so very sugary. I need to cut that stuff out.

This is our tree this year. We used Dave's mother's star topper and I sewed a few more ornaments, but it was otherwise the same as last year.

Christmas morning we got up and opened presents. I got a lot of good stuff as did Dave. There was only one casualty, a handmade sourdough crock that fell on the tile floor and was chipped. Thankfully they were still in stock, so another one is already on the way here.

For lunch, Dave made a very good fritatta with a vegan egg substitute.  He had toast with his, but I did not as I had more stollen for breakfast and some chocolate from my stocking besides. (So much sugar!)

We may have posole for dinner--if I get off my duff and get it started--or maybe more cheese sandwiches.

Then we'll probably get out and about for a drive to look at the lights in our new neighborhood.

Carbs

 I have started a few blog entries and then just abandoned them because they have been so depressing (probably because I've been binging Endeavor, which is an amazing series but so very grim.) So I'm going to try again and try to be less of a downer.

Let's see. We managed to get our Christmas tree up and a few decorations placed around.  We even ordered a few more from Williams Sonoma of all places. Dave liked a set of copper colored glass baubles, so we got those. We also sorted through Dave's mother's decorations--that was depressing--which were mostly inexpensive plastic things that went into the bin, though I kept a few to use on the wreath on our front door. 

I bought Christmas presents that I now need to wrap. I sent out Christmas cards to family, a few friends and a handful of strangers. (I used up the last of Dave's mother's cards and parts of two sets of cards I got online. Last year I made cards, but this year I wasn't feeling it.) We ordered Droste chocolate letters and salted black licorice from VanderVeens, a Dutch company, for ourselves, and a Droste chocolate letter, hopjes, and spekulaas cookies for Dave's father. Dave's grandmother was Dutch, so those are some of the treats that Dave associates with her. (After Dave and I started living together, she would also send me a chocolate letter, which I always appreciated given how little the rest of Dave's family regarded me.)

We also ordered KF94 masks and Covid tests from Austria. (Covid tests in the U.S. run about $23 to $25 each though sometimes you can find them on sale for a bit less. The ones we ordered from Austria test for Covid, flu, and RSV and cost around $4 each. The ones that test for covid by itself are around $1.20. I had to pay shipping, but with shipping, I got 20 Covid/flu/RSV tests and the same amount of money would have gotten 5 Covid tests in the U.S.)

In addition to ordering all that, we placed a big order from IKEA for some more storage units. We ordered a large, three door wardrobe, some shelving from their Kallax series, a lamp, and a few other things. (They were having a free shipping period for the holidays so we took advantage of that. Shipping from IKEA is really expensive, so I often hesitate to buy from them.) 

Our house lacks storage space in such a dumb way. Two closets are completely unusable because the previous owners but the water heater in one and the floor heating unit in the other. There is a large walk in closet in the bedroom that is currently housing Dave's mother's art collection, most of which should go to his father but you know how that goes. The closet in Dave's office is used for storage. There's one more closet that has my art supplies and journals and other stored things. But what's missing is clothes storage and a broom closet. So clothes that should be hung up end up piled on the dresser and the brooms and mops end up tucked behind doors or leaning against the back door. We also still have books and books and books in boxes. The wardrobe should alleviate some of that and give us a place to put a broom and hopefully we can get some more books unpacked.

I thought too late that I should have ordered another two storage units for my sewing area. I could use the storage space for fabric and other things. (Probably I need to stop collecting fabric for a time.)

Anyway when that all comes, we (meaning Dave) will have to put it all together.

Speaking of Dave, he took a week off from work. Most of it was spent in his pajamas playing his new video game, which is great as far as I'm concerned. We all need time to do things like that. But he also did a lot of baking. He made lots of bread and chocolate babka and fruitcake and biscochitos. We've been living on carbs, never a good idea.