What's This?

What’s This? It’s A Job. What Do You Use It For? I Use It To Keep Body And Soul Together.

I teach several levels of English classes, from the students who have years of written English grammar under their belt but who couldn’t speak a sentence to save their lives, to the students who speak fluently about things like nuclear power and the films of John Wayne. Honto, sometimes it’s a little mind-tiring (TM Masashi) to go from the lowest-level class to the highest level class. I sometimes walk into the teacher prep room after a low-level class to find myself. Speaking. Like. This. To. Japanese. Teachers. Who. Are. Perfectly. Fluent. In. Eng. Lish. Think about it. How insulted would you be by this? So I apologize, profusely.

And, too, some of my lowest level students? Are doctors and lawyers. One guy does research on a mushroom that produces ethanol as it degrades the wood it grows on. He manipulates the genome to increase ethanol output. He has published papers in Nature. He has read thousands of papers in English. He has trouble forming sentences when he speaks. Tonight, we practiced, “What is this? It’s a _____.” And, “What do you use it for? I use it to_______.” question and answer formation. (“What’s this? It’s a microcentrifuge.” “What do you use it for? I use it to centrifuge genetically modified bacterial cultures.” Wrong. It went more like: “What’s this? It’s an umbrella.” “What do you use it for? I use it to keep the rain off.” And I had to teach him “keep the rain off.”)

What’s This? It’s A Sulking Fifty-Year-Old Man. What Do You Use It For? I Use It To Wrangle The Guilt.

I tell the former head teacher that I think I insulted a student. She asks what I did.

I tell her that last week, after his lesson, a student said that he had a few questions for me. Every week the same student has a few questions for me. Those questions are usually these nit-picky little questions about the sentences. What’s the difference between saying things this way and saying them that way? What’s the difference--the exact difference--between “seldom” and “hardly ever.” What’s the difference between “It is said that there are over 1600 hundred islands” and “It is said that there is over 1600 hundred islands.” What is the exact difference. Which should I use? Why should I use it? When should I use it? The text says its wrong? I think its right. What do you think? Which would you use?

I’m supposed to leave The Kaisha at nine p.m. On the nights he’s there, I leave at ten p.m. or later. That is his version of a few questions.

Another student has been waiting for weeks to talk to me after class. He has been wanting for weeks to ask if I cam help with a Toastmasters speech he’s supposed to deliver soon. Last week, I finally gave the other student the time of day, putting off the first student for the first time ever. That night, Mr. Question left in a huff. Now he won’t even look at me.

I’m tempted to say, “Fuck it. Everyone pays for their lessons--even the guys who don’t keep me an hour after quitting time.” But I don’t say this. I kind of feel sorry for the guy---Mr. Question, I mean. I don’t think he has much else but his English studies.

What’s This? It’s A Shark Tank. What Do You Use It For? I Use It To Make Rich Architects Squirm


The rich architect still shows up for his lessons, despite the fact that I shot him down somewhere over the Sea of Japan. He still shows up, though now he eyes me with a bit of wariness. He’s waiting for me to show some discomfort, I think. He’s waiting to see if I treat him any differently after he acted like a complete and utter ass and made a fool of himself. I don’t. I still smile and joke. I still teach my lesson and pair up with him when it is warranted.

Jun asks if it makes me uncomfortable to do so, and I have to honestly say that, for a while, the classroom felt like a shark tank. I didn’t ever hesitate to go into the room, but I knew it was not just a room with a view of the streets of Ginza, a classroom where I am paid to teach rich, bored students the rules of conversational English. No, I am perfectly aware that that little rooms is a shark tank and that I enter the water every week with a shark. There are people in this world who work every day with sharks. Now I am one of them. Ask any one of them--us--when it’s dangerous and they--we--will likely tell you that it is never dangerous--so long as you always keep your guard up.

I grew up in America. I know from keeping my guard up.
He grew up in an occupied Japan. He too may know from keeping his guard up--but he also knows who controls the tank. And he knows too that she who controls the tank? Can always drain out all the water.

Because, baby, it’s my tank.