The Wrong Way

Seed Pods (d)
Originally uploaded by Tokyorosa

The Photo (Cheating, d.)

This is not my photo, but one of Dave's from his walk with Kelly and Kevin at the San Antonio Oxbow (where we also spent a cold and enjoyable hour on Christmas eve, watching the moon rise).

Humility

Yesterday was yoga. Our friends Kelly and Jean showed up--New Year's Resolutioneers, perhaps--and after yoga, we had an enjoyable lunch at the all-whitey Grove Cafe.

After that, Dave went to the studio and I went walking with Kelly. We did a fast 45-minute ditch walk, the same ditch where we walked with Judi and saw the Canada geese and cranes. I felt buzzed and strange after the walk and came home and pigged out on everything in the house, which wasn't much: a bowl of leftover whole wheat pasta, a couple of mealy green apples, a meatless corn dog. After, I read and napped.

I've been dreaming these feverish, densely storied dreams lately. I almost never try to or care if I remember my dreams, but for some reason I feel as though I should to hold on to these dreams. That's not exactly right. What I mean is: There's something in them that speaks to the transitory phase that I seem to be caught in at the moment and I want to try to listen, but truthfully, I don't put the least bit of effort into it.

Ellen

My friend Ellen sent, via Dave, a couple of consent forms for a couple of cancer drug trials that she's been offered. One of them, the one from Eli Lilly, states straight out that she's a candidate for this study because all standard treatments have failed in her case. Ellen sent the forms, interested in my opinion, and I feel that there is not enough information in them to make a truly informed choice. One reason I feel that way is because there is no real information about the drugs being offered. This is the first stage of these drug tests in humans, which means that they've passed through other tests, including tests on non-human animals, but because the drug companies don't and don't have to publish in journals there is no easy way to find out what problems, if any, there have been with the drugs.

Truthfully, I'm worried about Ellen. If it were me, I'd probably take part in the study--but I would do it knowing that it was a last-ditch effort, and perhaps the only way to stave off some unwanted inevitability. It hardly seems like an uncoerced choice is what I mean.