Surreal

Man, I have just been in the foulest mood today. Foul. I managed to maintain my foul mood even through baking cupcakes and going to the gym to workout. I mean, what person can maintain a foul mood while baking cupcakes? Me. Who can still be in a foul mood after working out? Apparently, that would also be me.

Why am I in such a foul mood? Well, this damned election news for one.

It's getting to the point where the election news is so surreal. I mean, did you see Katie Couric's interview with Palin? Surreal. The woman is like Dan Quayle Lite. Seriously. You can tell she was a beauty pageant contestant at one point in her life, no?

Couric: Well, explain to me why that [living in Alaska] enhances your foreign-policy credentials.

Palin: Well, it certainly does, because our, our next-door neighbors are foreign countries, there in the state that I am the executive of. And there…

Couric: Have you ever been involved in any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?

Palin: We have trade missions back and forth, we do. It's very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia. As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there, they are right next to our state.

Tell me, should I be worried about the fact that Alaska is still across from Russia? I mean, has Russia drifted closer to Alaska since the Cold War? Has some ice bridge formed between Alaska and Siberia that we should know about? Is Putin's head hovering in the airspace over the United States of America like some post-Soviet Bat Signal, calling all Siberians to cross the ice bridge and attack American ice road truckers? Am I missing something? Am I missing something or is Palin missing something?

The only joy I got out of watching the interview was watching Couric try (and largely fail) to keep the look of disgust and pity off her face. I mean, it was like Couric was watching a starving rat eat from a vat of live cockroaches. Later Couric, trying to find something positive to say about Palin, was all, like, well she is legitimately bipedal and...I have no evidence that she bathes in the blood of virgins, but...damn, she crazy. She dumb and she crazy.

As Molly Ivins might've said: If Palin were any dumber, we'd have to water her.

But the McCain campaign is going full tilt Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber at this point. Because what in the hell is up with McCain? I swear, it's Strokeville all up in his giant, wrinkly, pale melon. I mean, forget the droopy eyelid. Forget it; it's small potatoes. But what the hell is up with him thinking he's going to cancel on the presidential debates? Who does he think he is, Bush? Oh, wait. Even Bush never tried a bush league stunt like that. Even during war, Bush turned up to debate Kerry. Yes, our sniveling little president participated in a debate while we were at war. So what if it was a war Bush started under false pretenses. So what if Bush was probably drunk or high as kite during the debate. Score one for Bush. Woo-hoo! Nineteen percent approval ratings! USA! USA!

Let's see what else. Oh, yes. Surreal: Paulson down on one knee begging Pelosi to bail him out. Surreal. Palin campaigning at Ground Zero. Surreal. Laura Bush saying, well, of course Palin has no foreign policy experience. Surreal. Carly Fiorina claiming that Tina Fey's portrayal of Palin was sexist. Surreal. Nine-house-owning McCain daring to call anyone an elitist. Surreal. Comedians Jon Stewart and Joy Behar conducting the only worthwhile interviews of the candidates. Surreal. Obamaniacs screeching that the only Democrat to win the presidency in over thirty years--yes, that would be Bill Clinton--clearly wants Obama to lose because he hasn't, say, tattooed "Obama '08" on his neck. Surreal.

Surreal. Surreal. Surreal.

And, oh jeez. Let me just pop my own bit of surreality into this mess: I'm not sure why I'm admitting this at all, but I find Bill Clinton to be just the hottest guy ever. I would totally do Bill Clinton. I mean, I already know he cheats on his wife. And after the impeachment trial, I--and all of America--know what he'd expect in bed. And he appears to really enjoy fat-bottomed girls.

I'm so in.