So Much Crazy

My computer has some "effects" and when it took this picture of me kicking back on the couch, it decided to do some colored pencil effect action. I like my new computer, but I don't know why it needs so many pictures of me.

Whadja Do Yesterday?

Yesterday Dave and I did a bunch of crap stuff, errand-ish stuff, the kind of stuff that drives me nuts. I don't like running errands so much that I've figured out that most things are pretty unnecessary to do or have done. I've gone months and months without doing errands. True story. Of course there are things that are absolute, modern, gotta-have-it necessities. Toilet paper, for example. You can only go so long without toilet paper. Oh, you can substitute, like, coffee filters for toilet paper, but when you run out of coffee filters, then what?

Speaking of coffee filters, we do actually have a bunch of those because one of the other necessities in our household is instant coffee. I used to be a brewed coffee snob (wouldn't drink instant unless under duress practically), but living in Japan changed all that. Instant coffee was my lifeblood. Every morning, I'd wake up and make two big cups of instant coffee that resembled used motor oil. One cup would sit on the single-burner stove waiting its turn (I drank it as I did my makeup) while I drank the first cup in the shower. (That was a feat, let me tell you--especially considering that, at the time, I was still smoking and I also used to smoke in the shower. That's how your know you're an addict, I think, when you do things in the shower that aren't normally done in the shower, like smoke cigarettes and drink coffee. To be fair, I used to smoke in the shower because it was the only place in my minuscule apartment that had an exhaust fan and I hate a smoke-smelling apartment. I could have smoked out on the balcony, but that would not have been effective multi-tasking.)

Wait, why was I talking about smoking in the shower? Oh, right: Errands.

So yesterday Dave and I went to Target, home of everything middle-class America needs, like...placemats. Scrap-booking supplies. Rhinestone-studded dog collars. Stuff like that. We had a list: Toilet paper (ha!), paper towels, socks, diet soda, Crystal Light, laundry racks (which we forgot), car gum (gum for chewing in the car), and something else.

God, this is a boring story. I'm going to stop telling it.

Instead, here is me being negative about the gym:

Everyone at the gym was hilarious today--except for most people, who were annoying or strange in that way that makes you feel sorry for them (and then makes you wonder if other people don't feel sorry for you).

First: Old anorexic woman on the treadmill, please go home and eat something. I suggest chocolate eclairs, but anything--something. Please. You don't need to be at the gym when the majority of your body weight is made up of cartilage, bones, and sinew.

Second: Dude working out with that chick who might be your girlfriend, if the chick you're working out with compares your lifting technique to a Jim Carey bit in which he quote warms up his kidneys unquote, she is not so much your girlfriend as she is your workout partner. Also? Stop trying to correct her technique. First of all, she's doing it right. Second, you're just being pissy because she compared you to Jim Carey.

Third: You? I hate you, stupid ass Clark Kent-wannabe who loads up the squat machine and then wanders away. You and Gay Spiderman should be forced to cage fight to the death. Both of yours' deaths. Both of your death. Both of your deaths. I hate you so much it fucks up my grammar. Also, your pornographic grunting makes me want to vomit on your Timberland boots. Which don't make you look taller, by the way.

Finally: Guy who remarked that when they mop the floors, the floors look cleaner: You get the Ya Think? Award for the most obvious remark of the day. Too bad I didn't stick around to find out that the sky is blue, the earth orbits the sun, and bears shit in the woods.

So much crazy at the gym today. So much crazy.