Blind Items

Last Night At The Gym

I have to remember that Wednesday nights is the night that my Gym Boyfriend is a no-show—and the night that too-much-cologne idiot invariably shows up. I hate too-much-cologne guy. The fact that he wears far, far too much cologne is really just the tip of the iceberg-the very, very stinky iceberg--with that guy. Yes, he works out all the time and he's still about as buff as a potato. Yes, he wears sleeveless shirts that he cut down so that they're completely open on both sides. Yes, he has the requisite number of green, smeary tattoos on his chest and arms. Yes, he's that idiot who hits on the women at the gym. But I can overlook all that. What really offends me is his cologne. His cologne is pure nasty. It smells like a mixture of cat pee, paint thinner, and bile. And he wears enough of it that it actually burns in my sinuses. He reminds me of a putdown my cousin Marty used to use: If you put Odor Eaters in your shoes, you’d disappear in a week.

As a result of Sir Stinks-A-Lot, I only lasted eleven minutes on the elliptical trainer that was about ten feet away from him. I had to switch over to a stationary bike near the open doors of the gym. I’m not keen on stat bikes usually. I never feel like I’m burning enough calories on a bike, and if I’m on a bike, I’m more likely to grab a stack of junk reading (People, Entertainment Weekly, Family Circle, Women’s Day, whatever) and read while I do the minimal amount of work.

Let That Be A Lesson To You

So here's what I learned on the stat bike last night: Two celebrities, one of whom beats the other, are in the honeymoon phase. Jennifer is totally happy without Brad--but Brad has been partying alone too much. "Canoodling" is a word used entirely too often in celebrity rags and Photoshop has a death grip on the magazine industry that will never, ever loosen. I don't recognize about 80% of the new crop of talentless starlets, especially if they were launched by an appearance on American Idol (or any reality show), one of the many iterations of High School Musical, or involved somehow with the movie Twilight. Um. What else? Oh, yes: You can "walk away" 8 pounds in, like, seven days. (Yeah, right. That last one is the only story in those rags that I don't believe.)

Celebrity Gossip? Why Yes, Thank You.

Despite my distaste for celebrity gossip, I am still enthralled with a regular feature on Gawker called Blind Item. (No, I'm not going to link to it. You can Google.) Blind Item is a game where people in the know send in embarrassing celebrity gossip without names and the readers try to guess who the gossip is about. Confusing? Yes, sometimes. But fun. Try it:

"Which closeted jack-of-all-trades just became secretly engaged to her girlfriend? Word is, the two will wed soon in N.J."

Most people guessed Queen Latifa--but someone else suggested Alanis Morissette.

"Which famous married man has a penchant for younger fellas - with his wife's approval? He's allowed to go out at night scouting for guys while his missus is tucked up in bed."

Most people guessed Tom Cruise, but I think they mean Will Smith. Maybe it's both? (Someone else suggested that it was one of the actors in "Nip/Tuck"--a show I've never seen--because of the "tucked up" clue.)

"Which mega-star's reputation is being trashed by a tranny in Miami? The endowed lass is telling anyone who'll listen all about his embarrassing sexual positions."

I think it's Mickey Rourke, though most people guessed Tracy Morgan.

Then there's this S&M-themed gem that I like a lot:

"This C list actress with a name that really stands out has generally made good movies. She gets many more offers than she actually accepts. She could easily be an upper B list actress if she wanted to but she enjoys her private life too much to change anything except for the perfect role. Our actress in fact, makes substantially more money as a result of her private life than she probably ever would amass as an actress despite the always rave reviews of her acting talent. She has been in this space before for her, how shall I say this, her willingness to provide an experience to certain other members of the film community. Now, she has added to her stable a woman who has been seen countless times over the past few weeks with this Academy Award nominated A list movie actor who must enjoy being treated like crap because that is exactly what this woman specializes in for her male clients. Of course our C list actress arranges the meetings and thus also gets a significant percentage of the fee."

Most people guessed Leelee Sobieski (!) was the dominatrix because she has recently taken a part, written for her specifically, in a movie about S&M type sex. The celebutard working for her is supposedly Evan Rachel Wood (who dated Marilyn Manson after Dita dumped him) and her client is Mickey Rourke.

"This B list movie actress and A list wannabe made it very clear this week to the only rich guys she was hitting on, that despite what is being written in the tabloids about her being in a relationship, that they are in fact, 'friends' and that she can date whomever she wishes. That however is not what her other half has been saying. He thinks they are a couple and told everyone he encountered over the weekend as such."

Most people guessed that this is Kate Hudson and Owen Whats-his-face, the one with the f'ed up nose. I think the "friends" thing is a clue though, so it's probably Jennifer A. and John M., no?

So there it is.