My Darling, My Parasite

I've written before about my darling parasite depression. I call it my darling because it is something I spend all day every day cultivating, like some "Little Shop of Horrors" Audrey-ish bonsai that grows in The Brain. Recently however, housing my parasite has become a dark nightmare of the soul, complete with a heaping helping of panic disorder.

Yes, panic disorder.

This is part of one description I found of panic disorder:

* At least four of the following symptoms developed during one of the panic attacks:

1. shortness of breath or smothering sensations
2. dizziness, unsteady feelings, or faintness
3. palpitations or accelerated heart rate
4. trembling or shaking
5. sweating
6. choking
7. nausea or abdominal distress
8. depersonalization or derealization
9. numbness or tingling sensations
10. flushes or chills
11. chest pain or discomfort
12. fear of dying
13. fear of going crazy or of doing something uncontrolled

The symptoms I suffer from are in bold font.

Take a moment and count your blessings if you have never had a panic attack. They're no fun, really.

The therapist I'm seeing is a big believer in cognitive-behavioral therapy, and last week she suggested that I start to examine the ways that my thinking is distorted. What does distorted thinking have to do with depression and panic attacks? Well, one of the things that the parasite depression does is convince me of certain things, for example that my depression is unique and won't ever be cured. Or that people are inherently bad and untrustworthy (and that I am also inherently bad and untrustworthy). Or that if my efforts aren't perfect that there is no use in doing anything. And so on and so on and so on. I've spent so much time on that kind of thinking that I've effectively painted myself into a corner and, let's say, the building I'm in is on fire. Can't run over wet paint, you know. The only thing to do is panic panic panic.

God, that sounds crazy.

Anyway, so this is a partial list of ways that depressives distort their thoughts:

Dichotomous Thinking. Also known as Polarized, All-or-Nothing or Black-&-White Thinking. Thinking in extremes, it's either right or wrong, with no possibility of any grey areas in between.

Filtering. Focusing on the negative details and ignoring the positive. As well as magnifying the negative aspects. In situations that involve both positive and negative elements, you dwell on the latter.

Discounting. Downplaying and disregarding the positive. Phrases like: 'That doesn't count,' 'That wasn't good enough,' or 'Anyone could have done it.' Sometimes humor or sarcasm is used to downplay what one feels uncomfortable about.

Catastrophizing, Awfulizing or Magnification. Expecting disaster... 'what if this happens or that happens' and expecting the worst possible outcome. Exaggerating the importance of problems, shortcomings, and minor annoyances. Something minor goes wrong and the assumption is that it is a major problem. Tendency to expect the worst possible scenario.

Mind-Reading. Assuming you know what the other person is thinking and feeling about you or your situation. As well as reading into their motivation and intention.

Emotional Reasoning. Believing that what you feel is the way things really are.. automatically. Assuming that because you feel a certain way, that is the truth. 'I feel stupid, boring.. so I am stupid or boring.'

'Shoulds' and 'Should-nots'. A list of rules that everyone in the world and their families should live according to. Also statements with 'must' 'ought to' and 'have to' You feel enraged when others break those rules, and guilt/shame when you break them.

I do every single one of those things. My thinking is so distorted that I'm like some grotesque character from a Flannery O'Connor short story or Sherwood Anderson novel.

Here's something Flannery O'Connor said:

"Whenever I'm asked why Southern writers particularly have a penchant for writing about freaks, I say it is because we are still able to recognize one."

I love Flannery O'Connor. I just don't want to be a character in one of her short stories.

Anyway, I'm supposed to, this week, spend some time every day writing about when I notice that my thoughts are distorted in one of those ways. But seriously, it's like I'm supposed to write down every time I notice when I'm breathing. It's an all day, every day kind of thing for me. I don't want to have to do that. It's hard.

Goddamn parasite. Why do you have to make everything so goddamn difficult?

I don't mean that I'm looking for a quick fix. I am not. There's a laundry list of medications that any doctor with a prescription pad could write for me that would turn me into a happy little everyday garden variety zombie non-depressed person, right? But I don't want that. I don't want anyone (not even me) fucking with my serotonin reuptaking abilities or whatever.

But I have to get rid of my darling parasite.