Water Aerobics

I don't write a lot about the water aerobics class I've been taking with my aunt Charlotte, (sometimes) my niece, and (sometimes) Judi. In fact, aside from some small mentions, I don't think I've written about it at all, but I'm going to now. There are several things that I want to write about and, rather than try to knit them into a cohesive account, I'm just going to list them off.

1. Challenging agoraphobia.

I don't really like to talk to strangers and to avoid it, I don't make eye contact or small talk. But it's difficult to maintain that level of aloofness when you're in your bathing suit or sharing a few square feet of swimming pool with someone, so people have started to talk to me from time to time. Also, it doesn't help that Char and my niece are very friendly people and they talk to everyone. Me? I always seem to get stuck in those horrible conversations with people who never shut up and who are invariably not very interesting. Why does that happen? What is wrong with those people?

Anyway, I am trying to be nicer. It doesn't always work, but I'm trying.

2. The woman who chided me for being mean to Judi.

Oh, this is kind of funny. Yesterday while we were stretching (in the water, leaning against the pool wall to stretch our calves), Judi kept looking at my back leg, so I said to her, "What's the matter? What are you looking at? Did you drop a penny in the water or something? Stop looking at me." Judi said, "I'm just looking to see how you're stretching," and the woman on the other side said, "Gosh, you're being really mean to her!" and I said, "She keeps staring at my butt!" (I should have said, "What's it to you? Mind your own business!" but I'm really, underneath it all, a very nice person.) So then I told Judi, "This lady thinks I'm being mean to you." And Judi said thank you to the woman and I said to the woman, "Don't show her any sympathy, it'll just encourage her."

No, I really am trying to be nicer.

3. Nicole and Billie

Oh. See, now. These are two of the women I'm talking about when I talk about the people who you want to try to avoid talking to. There's nothing inherently bad or wrong about these two women, they're just a little...strange, I guess. Take Billie for example. One day Char and I were sitting outside waiting for the pool to open and Billie came over and Char said, "Hi, how are you?" and Billie said, "I'm fine, thank you. How are you?" Char said, "I'm fine, thank you." Billie said, "You're welcome."

Who says, "You're welcome" when someone says "I'm fine, thank you"? I mean, really, who does that?

See? Just a little...strange.

And Billie's friend Nicole? One day Nicole was in front of me in the water and I made some wisecrack about who knows what and she turned around and looked at me and laughed at my wisecrack, which is fine. But then she stayed turned around in the water, just, like, staring at me, saying nothing, just staring. And I was, like, I'm not a TV, chica. But I didn't say anything. I just ignored her until she turned around again.

4. The woman with fake boobs.

The fake boob lady! Oh, man. I swear, I find fake boobs fascinating. This woman is probably in her mid-forties by the looks of her face, but her boobs are no older than five or six. And what's worse, those boobs are like Tupperware. They're all round and they look all hard and they don't budge when she's jumping around and they don't float, which scares me. What is wrong with women who get fake boobs? I mean, why? Why do they do it? I don't understand. I told Judi, "I think she used to be a stripper," and Judi said, "Used to be?"

5. The tattooed church lady.

Middle-tattooed suburban mom who always talks about church or Disney movies. She's nice enough, I guess. For some reason, she always talks to me.

6. Deep water aerobics.

Twice a week, a volunteer old man (who kind of looks like Ben Kingsley's over-fed uncle) teaches an aerobics class in the diving pool, which is about ten feet deep at the shallow end. Char, Judi and I join in one or two times a week. I don't think it's that much better a workout than the shallow water aerobics class, but it is fun to wear a flotation belt and tread water for forty minutes. The old guy who teaches it is a bit quirky. For example, when he wants us to stop doing something, he yells, "JUMPING JACK!" The first time he did it, Judi turned to me and was, like, what the hell is that about?

7. The men in the class

8. The hyper-tattooed young woman and her mother.

9. Being compared to my cousin Lydia.