Cloudy, dark, and rainy in Miami today. People cruise by on the street in heavy coats and hats. I saw one woman wearing ear muffs. It's the coldest they've ever been in their lives, looks like. It's around 62 degrees.
The infection is getting better. I'm on two oral and one topical antibiotic and over the last couple of days, the pain has decreased considerably and the margins of the incision are much less pink. The other signs are those that the surgeon said would happen as the infection clears up and the wound heals. I chat with Kelly via text and she says she knows it's tedious, and that is the perfect word: Tedious. It's tedious taking care of this smashed little bit of myself. Though the burden falls really on Dave, as I can't reach the incision myself, at least not easily. (It's in my left armpit--or "axillary" as medical professionals say.)
All morning I have little zaps along the incisions. These are very common. Are they from nerves coming back online, testing the waters? The surgeon was surprised when I told her that I had feeling in the grafts from day one. The right was more pronounced than the left, but both have always had some degree of sensation, maybe even more than before. Some people go weeks or months (some even longer) before feeling returns--if it ever does. Our friend who had top surgery over a year ago says that there are parts of their chest that still don't have feeling. Me? I practically never stopped, even though 90%+ of my breasts are history, what's left behind have all the feelings apparently.
The day the surgeon had to replace the suture in my left axillary, she said, "If you can feel this, I'll buy you a drink." She thought the nerve blocks she had put in me the day before would still be in effect. She owes me a drink for putting a suture in with no anesthesia. (She gave me a shot of lidocaine there later and that numbed it for a few hours, but it was shutting the barn door after the horse had made a run for the hills.)
The zaps feel like it when acupuncture needles are pushed through a nerve or set off a nerve near them, a quick little but fierce crackle of electricity. They last for a few hours and then go away for a day or so.
So that's fun.
And I'm not sleeping. I take one antibiotic every six hours and I have to stand up for half an hour then sit upright for half an hour after I take it or else it triggers gastroesophageal reflux, a kind of bitterly cruel heartburn that resists treatment and lasts for hours if not days. Standing up for half an hour is a fun thing to do at one in the morning. I wake Dave up and have him help me get out of bed. Then I made a snack because I have to take the antibiotic with food. After that, I'll stand at the sink and wash the dishes I've just used. Then I'll wipe down the kitchenette counter and straighten things up around the room. I do the NYT puzzles that are released at midnight. Then I sit and journal for awhile or read something on my phone. After an hour, I wake Dave up and ask him to help me get into the maddeningly tall hotel bed. Then I sleep on and off for four hours until it's time to wake Dave up again to help me out of bed. Sometimes, I sleep for an hour and then have to wake Dave up to help me get up to use the toilet because I drank too much water with the antibiotic...
Dave may be getting even less sleep than I am. Plus he's still doing work things during the day and going out to pick up groceries and prescriptions and coming back to do dressing changes and help me shower...I have no idea what I'd do if he weren't here. He's the real MVP here, is what I'm trying to say.
And my period goes on and on and on. It's day...let's see, day eight or nine now.
And this afternoon, there was a piece of tape holding one of the bandages on that was pulling on my skin in an uncomfortable way so Dave peeled it off and with it came a bit of my skin. Being skinned, even on such a small scale, and tired and anxious and scared and full of too many medications was too much and I just broke down and cried for awhile. Dave comforted me and cleaned the area with hypochlorous acid spray and put a bit of Vaseline on it and then I felt a little better.
He went out again to pick up a refill of the prescription antibiotic ointment that we are using. He brought back some kiddy watercolor paints (I stupidly brought no art supplies with me on this trip, just a journal and a few pens), a pencil sharpener, and some glue sticks. These were added to the Crayola colored pencils and multimedia art journal he picked up for me at the Office Depot across the street yesterday. I have a little set of art supplies now. Yesterday, I drew myself--my new self--and marked the area of infection and drew the antibiotics attacking those areas. I also drew a cross between a dog and a bunny in a Peter Pan collared shirt. And today all I had time for before dinner was to do a quick test of the watercolors and to discuss with Dave what color he thinks teal is and how it differs from what color I think teal is.
Then we had dinner--rice bowls with faux "beef" bulgogi for Dave and chicken and roast beef for me, vegetables (kale, carrots, cauliflower, yellow squash and cucumber slices). I finished half my dinner, stood up, took my antibiotic, and finished my dinner standing up. Then I did the dishes, straightened up the room...
And now it's time for another bandage change.
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