Physical Update (33 Days)

Except where it is still open in my left armpit, there is a scar. The scar runs from under one armpit across my chest and under the other armpit.  Under my fingertips it feels like satin stitching only smoother, done with skin instead of thread. But that is only the part that I can feel.  Where the incision curves up into an artificially or perhaps artfully created cleavage, there is still tape that the surgeon put on over the stitches. The tape is intended to last for weeks-- usually two to three weeks, but in my case it's been a month. The only thing I've done to try to remove it is to allow warm, soapy water to run over it. Pulling it off is a very bad idea as it can rip skin and cause even worse scarring. Not that I care about scarring, but I do care about ripped skin. 

We are still doing twice a day dressing changes, but we've moved from the 5x9 inch ab pads to large silicon bandages. The open area is about an inch and a half long and it gapes open in the center. Skin is growing down into one side of the gap and soon it will be covered with skin. Then we can probably go down to one dressing change a day just to keep the healed area moist while the scar continues to form.

Scar care can go on for months to years.  The surgeon recommends putting sunscreen on the scar even though it is completely concealed under clothing. They also recommend keeping it covered with silicon tape. All of this is meant to keep the scarring area covered and moist so that the scar stays soft. (I haven't started with either the silicon tape or the sunscreen yet as I still have tape and an open area on the incision.)

I'm so...disconnected from that part of my body.  In the month since the surgery I've looked at myself in the mirror less than half a dozen times.  When I have to touch any part of the area, I sometimes cry. (Touching makes it real.) Things are looking better, but they're also still scary looking. The bruising was substantial and some of it persists even now, though it is largely faded. Large bandages cover the grafted areas, and underneath there is healthy pink skin, but between the bandage and the healthy pink skin there are black crusty areas (this is perfectly normal).

I'm blessed/ cursed with an extraordinary amount of feeling in the area, especially in the grafts. Everything, even light t-shirts feel like sandpaper.  My Brain interprets it as pain and I have to slow down and tell myself it's irritation, a step down from pain and the implications of being constantly in pain.  This is more like...how a mosquito bite is sometimes so tolerable that you forget it's even there and sometimes is so itchy that it makes you think you might go crazy from it.

I still get nerve zaps, only they feel deeper and more profound. My nerves feel like everything is cranked up, my hearing even. 

The muscles in my neck and back aren't sure what to do. I still sit hunched over, my shoulders pulled forward by the weight that isn't there anymore.  The whole area feels tight, like I was cut apart and stitched together again.