Holden Caulfield 2.0

How did it get to be Thursday already?!

I just walked in the door from therapy and I had a big spoonful of the Talenti black cherry gelato in the fridge. My sugary reward for an hour on the couch. 


This morning I had another exam. It started at 7:40 and I was done by 8:00. It was easy. I knew it would be easy, but I don't know how not to stress myself out over it anyway. When I left for class this morning, I had hives like mosquito bites all over my legs and arms. Ugh. I came home, changed back into my pajamas and went back to bed for a few hours. (I hadn't slept much the night before.)

What else has happened this week?

Dave and I went to a concert on Monday night and ended up leaving about halfway through. I absolutely hated the music (Dave's favorite, of course) and the awful, depressing lyrics were making me want to hang myself. I sat there and shut my eyes and counted backward from 1000 by threes and then I had to get the hell out of there. I was really, really angry after that, which was better than being pushed further into depression by the whole thing.

I find that when I am depressed, I have to very, very carefully marshal what I expose my brain to or else I risk getting sucked even further down into the black hole. I can't read news stories about suicide or child or animal abuse. I can't watch violent films. I can't listen to depressing music. And there's a lot of that out there, of course. At the other end of the spectrum, I also can't bring myself to listen to manufactured garbage that comes under the guise of being "uplifting." It's insulting.

Anyway, I did not get around to talking about that in therapy. Not today anyway.

Tuesday I skipped class and stayed in bed.

Wednesday I postponed therapy and studied for the exam. We had dinner at one of our favorite Japanese restaurants. There was a woman there from the old studio and she very studiously avoided us, even when she had to stand less than a foot away from us and pay her bill. I was glad to see that she was alone--and that she looked terrible. Good.

I'm still tired from my schedule being turned on its head. Getting back into the swing of things, school-wise, has been--ugh. It's not that it's a tough subject, it's just that old, familiar and exhausting reorganization of my life to make room for this large formal education thing. It's like acquiring a too-big piece of furniture.