Nothing

I'm still so sad over our little Saba. Everything in the house and outside the house reminds me of her.  I'm still latching the gate securely to keep her from getting out of the patio. I still avoid sleeping on the corner of the bed that was hers. It's still hers. I find myself waking up, twisted around that spot, long having trained myself to keep out of her claimed space, where she was sleeping just a week ago.

After we came home from the vet, without her, we threw away everything related to her illness. We filled up two trash bags with medication and syringes and half-used bandages, not wanting to remember her as a sick kitty, but as our healthy, amazing puppycat, who brought so much to our lives. We cried. And cried. And cried.

It was also Dave's birthday that day, but it's hard to celebrate with broken hearts. We had dinner out and it was fine, but I told him that he gets another birthday this year, to celebrate another time, when he feels ready for it.

I'm still heartbroken and, hard as it is, I have no choice but to continue to put one foot in front of the other.

I have had to continue with school and I had to study for the three exams I've taken since Monday. Over the weekend, I studied between bouts of tears. My brain was numb, refused to absorb anything, but I had to keep going.

Monday I took the two exams then spent the afternoon on an enraging, ridiculous assignment that took hours and is worth nothing. Literally worth nothing: an assignment that is worth zero points and took six or more hours to complete.

Tuesday I couldn't will myself out of bed. I spent the morning in bed, seven hours, doing nothing, just laying there. Sometimes I slept. I kept drinking coffee and eating chocolate and telling myself that I had to get up and study for the exam on Wednesday, but I didn't, couldn't.

I finally was able to get out of bed around 1:00 in the afternoon.

I spent about 13 solid hours just grinding through material for the exam in the morning and got back into bed around 3:00 a.m. I got up four hours later, took a shower,  put on the same dirty set of scrubs I've been wearing since last week and went and took the exam. I wanted to come home after, but I had to stay and sit through another useless lecture.

I have clinical in the morning, a proper clinical, at the hospital. That starts at 6 a.m. and goes until...Noon? I don't know. Sometimes the clinical instructors are lazy and they start late and finish early. No way to tell until you get there.

I have three weeks to get through then a month off. Finally.