You Had to Ask

How's school going?

Day one: One of my instructors almost got into a fight with another instructor over a room assignment. Our class ended two hours early as a result--but that was my early class, so I had to stick around for my afternoon class.

I had started out the day with a tension headache that traveled across my forehead and over the morning slowly and painfully morphed into a migraine headache so bad that I thought on my way home that I might have to pull off the road and call Dave to pick me up.

Day two: In my early class, we had an exam that I got an 80% on. I have to pass each exam with at least a 77%.

In my later class, the instructor thought it would be funny to put up a picture of a man who took an IED, a bomb, to the face. His mouth and nose were gone, blown out, still bright red with fresh blood. Each of his eyes was half gone, blown sideways. His hands were gone, bandaged at bony stumps. Supposedly he survived. But why? Would you want to survive something like that?

I had to look away, my head immediately started pounding, an instant migraine. I felt sick but managed to hold it together. A woman at my table burst into tears. The woman sitting next to me laughed, saying, "I love that stuff."

Day three: Today. Another headache. An exam that I had to pass or I would fail the level. (I passed--96%.) A simulation that went very badly. My computer is screwed up. Sometimes the screen works, sometimes it doesn't. I'm behind on my reading. I'm not eating enough during the day or drinking enough water. One of the students in class said to me during break, "Some people say you're mean." I said, "I don't care what any of these people think of me."

I don't. For me to continue to put one foot in front of the other on any given day, in any given situation, I have to not give a fuck about what anyone thinks of me.

When classes are over, I want to do is come home and change into my pajamas and sleep. But when I climb into bed, I can't sleep. I'm exhausted. Everyone else is exhausted, too. Our break between terms wasn't long enough--only two weeks--and we are all starting out in the red.

Tomorrow, practice and another simulation--a pregnant woman seizing from eclampsia. That should be fun. I should be reading up on the condition right now, but I wanted a minute to just sit here and do nothing.