Close to the End

The Last Day

Today was the last day at the clinical site for this rotation.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the woman I took care of, the cancer patient who is a couple of years younger than me. Today I took care of her again. (I was shocked that she's still here, but she is.) I probably would not have chosen to do it because of how wretched I felt the last time, but she was assigned to me and I did not refuse.

She was alone today for most of the day. A friend stopped by for a few minutes and held her hand, but the rest of the time she slept or at least rode easy on minimal sedation.

She fought back the last infection, which was a miracle in and of itself, but now she's got a new one taking hold. The end is not going to be easy. And anywhere else but in the ICU, it would have already happened.

Exit Exam

This week I had to take an exit exam that, if I didn't pass, I wouldn't be allowed to graduate in August and at the very least would have to repeat this level. If I wasn't able to pass the exam at all, I would have to walk away from the degree that I've been working on. It's a stressful, four-hour exam. The whole time I was answering questions, I was convinced that I was failing. The nature of the questions is that there is rarely an absolutely right or wrong answer. You just have to pick the best option from a group of options, all of which are correct, and hope that you get it right.

I passed with a score that beat the minimum passing grade by hundreds of points. I was perhaps the fourth or fifth person to finish and when my score rolled up on the screen, the instructor also saw it on his screen at the same time. He came over and stood in front of my computer and smiled big. I smiled and mimed wiping sweat off my forehead in relief, but I was actually close to tears.

I shut down my computer and I gathered my things and I walked out and I texted David that I had passed and that I wanted to cry.

I hoped I wouldn't run into anyone I knew on the way to my car because I would have just broken down.

Everyone I've talked to today said the same thing, whether they passed or not. Those of us who passed went home and cried. Those of us who didn't pass went home and cried.

I came home, cried, changed clothes, and then went out for a burger.