Buzzkill

 I'm sitting out on the front porch with Chance. Discussions have begun in earnest as to his last days with us. We are spending some time outdoors since neither of us get any real outdoor time these days.

Here is what I see of his condition (a disturbing list that you might want to skip if you're not up to such things): His back legs are increasingly weak. He hasn't been able to stand on his own in months and is reliant on Dave to help him get up and lie down. He can't manage more than a few steps on his own and is having increasing trouble controlling his bowels and bladder and often has accidents in the house. He wakes throughout the night and relies on Dave to take him out to pee or to shift positions (which he can't do on his own). He is on two different kinds of painkillers and a drug to keep him from having seizures (which he's been on for years) and Chinese herbs meant to prevent internal bleeding (more below). He is maxed out on the painkillers we can give him and there is one more level of painkillers that may help but which will wreck his liver and which require a complete washout of the painkillers he's on now, something that will likely be very unpleasant for him. He is riddled with cancerous tumors that the doctor told us may rupture at any time and if that happens, it will cause internal bleeding, pain, and will require emergency euthanasia. And still we hesitate.

He still eats and drinks normally and loves to get treats. He still wants pets sometimes (less frequently now) and to be brushed at night. He still barks and growls and whines to communicate as best as he can. But I think that's it as far as a normal or pleasant dog's life is concerned. 

It's time, isn't it? 

We've never had a dog--loads of cats but never dogs--and this is Dave's mom's last dog. We both resent that we ended up caring for this dog when she moved into an assisted living facility. He was already sick when we got him almost two years ago. But much as we resent that, we also ended up actually caring for him and he became a big part of our little family. This decision also falls on the heels of Dave's mom's death--Dave has gone this afternoon to pick up her ashes--and that makes things even more difficult. 

But aside from all that unpleasantness, it's a nice afternoon out here on the porch. I brought out my journals and computer, phone, a snack, water, and decaf. I've been in twice to go to the bathroom and Chance gets nervous and restless and starts to bark whenever I go in--whenever he's left alone at all ever, actually. I quell him with snacks and water and by talking to him and petting him. Doesn't help much, but maybe it helps some. 

Dave's home now with a wooden box that will probably go on the mantel for awhile.