The Morning

Here's how my morning is going:

I'm right now, as I write this, in the middle of an anxiety attack related to my health. What prompted it was: Earlier this morning I got up, ate something, and took my meds. Then I lay back down on the sofa to try to nap. (I did not sleep much last night, was up from 2:20 or so until almost 5 a.m.) While I was laying down, I reached off to the right, not twisting, but stretching my torso at the waist far to the right, to reach something on the far side of the coffee table. As soon as I did so, I immediately felt stomach acid burning from my right side, below my ribs, into my esophagus and I started burping. I took a Tums and lay back down, but it didn't go away. My brain started to think I had damaged something, my stomach, or I had caused a tear or hernia in that area. The heartburn pain spread into my left shoulder and back (which it often does). My anxiety got worse. 

I sat up to change position and the heartburn felt a little better, but not completely, so I took another Tums and decided that I should get in the shower because if I had to go to the hospital, at least I would be clean. (I hadn't showered yesterday.) I took a quick shower and had another Tums. Dave was on a work meeting, but he came in soon after I got out of the shower. I told him what was going on and he said it didn't sound like it was a heart attack or anything like that, which helped a bit to hear, but which my brain didn't entirely accept. He suggested I take some Mylanta and that sounded like a good idea (I had been resisting more antacids because I took my meds ninety minutes ago and best practice is to wait two hours after taking medications to take antacids). I got up and took 20 ml of Mylanta, a double dose, but my usual dose. 

That brings us to right now.

I can still feel the heartburn very slightly--the Tums and Mylanta did help a bit, as did standing in the shower and sitting up--but I'm still stressed out and anxious. (It's made worse by the fact that I didn't get much sleep, and the sleep that I got was broken up, not restful.) My brain keeps asking: Did I damage my stomach or something else or cause a tear in something by stretching and putting pressure on the area? Did I just cause a release of stomach acid without damaging my stomach or any structures around my stomach? Am I going to have to go to the ER?  

This is what it's like in my head during one of these health-related anxiety attacks. This is not even a very bad one. I am able to function through it so the panic is not overwhelming.  

After my shower, I put on the same nightgown I was wearing before. I should have at least put on new pajamas, but I didn't. It was too hard to think of and then find and put on new pajamas. My brain is/was preoccupied by anxiety. 

Doesn't this all sound like fun? 

Now I'm looking out my window at the greenery in the courtyard and at GK giving himself a small bath near the plum tree. We did not put out bird food this year (except for the hummingbird feeders), so our courtyard hasn't been quite as busy as it was last year, when the birds and chipmunks and squirrels and mice came to feast. (The rec this year was to not put out birdfood because birds congregating at feeders was helping bird flu to spread.) 

My heartburn is feeling a little better. A huge chunk of my attention is going towards monitoring the area where I first felt the heartburn and the surrounding areas (the left side of my chest, my left shoulder, the left side of my jaw).  A lot of my attention goes towards monitoring for things that are going wrong. This is part of the hypervigilance that goes along with the PTSD that comes from being a sensitive child raised by--or more accurately trapped in a house with--an often violent alcoholic. I *never* feel completely safe. I never feel completely relaxed. I hardly even know what those words mean. It's exhausting. Sometimes I can lose myself in sewing or journaling or painting, but that's like holding my breath underwater. It doesn't mean that suddenly I am able to live underwater, it just means that I can buy a bit of respite from the worst of it, block out the din of it.

There are two hummingbirds chasing each other around the feeder. They're sticking around a little longer than usual this year, seems like. I'm glad, but I don't want them to miss their moment. 

Last week, we had a snake on our patio. It was fairly large with skin in various shades of brown. Two spotted towhees screeched and screeched at it, trying to draw it away from their nest. We saw one of their fledglings (was there only one?) on the ground, flailing around. It probably didn't fall from its nest; the birds nest on or near the ground. The parents drew the snake away from it and into the plants near the pond. The fledgling stayed on the ground. Dave called the wildlife rescue hotline and spoke to someone to see what we should do, pick it up or what. They told him that the parents often follow their fledglings as it leaves the nest and they continue to care for it, feeding it as it hops around and learns to gather food and to fly.

We haven't seen the snake again. 

I spoke on the phone with my mother on Monday, Labor Day. We usually text but I called her because I had texted twice and emailed once but hadn't gotten a reply. We chatted for about an hour--she wants to get a glass topped stove and she was working on some sweaters to donate and was watching something on TV--and then I got too hungry to continue our conversation, my blood sugar dropping is not a good thing these days, so I got off the phone and made some lunch.

My heartburn is mostly better--there's still a slight sourness in my stomach--but the next few hours will be occupied by monitoring for its return.