The Seekings

I've been cleaning house, as it were, both literally and metaphorically. Out with the old, I mean, so as to make way for the new. I've managed to get rid of some of my stuff, not a big chunk yet, but some. Ideally, I'd get rid of at least half my stuff without falling prey to the idea that if I were to just organize it, it will be just fine. Some of the old stuff I like to keep, like the following list. I wrote this list several years ago after talking with my friend Dena who, upon seeing me pick up a copy of a free weekly newspaper, said she liked to read "the seekings." I was, like, "Seekings? What are those?" and she said, "You know, 'single male seeks tall female" or 'white woman seeks black man.' The seekings."

Oh, right.

So here are my versions of the seekings. And I will say beforehand that I sat down to write these, seriously, with the full intention of creating a serious ad that could be placed in the newspaper. These were not written for laughs.

Embittered, angry, man-loving feminist seeks nurturing, non-gender-fied male for serious, serious relationship. I like the usual things, but I love the unusual things. I am already in a committed but non-monogamous relationship. You will be for sexual gratification only. I will pretend not to know you when we meet in public. Your delusions of grandeur will not be humored. I am witty, you be too, please.

Grammatically (but not politically) correct man-loving feminist seeks non-macho, nurturing male for overly serious relationship first, friendship later. You should consider yourself lucky that nothing about me is proportionate, especially my personality and sense of loyalty. I am bitter enough for the both of us.

Single--mostly--non-huera feminista seeks machismo-less huero for entirely personal reasons. You should be willing to question your own cultural assumptions and, if necessary, find them lacking. Only the most vaguely spiritual need apply.

Single minority woman, defier of stereotypes, seeks white supremacist capitalist, preferably traditionally educated. Object: colonization.

Fearless woman seeks opportunity. This will not interfere with my search for a single white male. I hate television, sports, jewelry. I love gossip, arguing, soft drinks. No members of clubs that would have them as members need apply.

Disorganized overachiever seeks laid-back striver. Object: balance. Adrenaline junkies, sexy grandpas, professional wrestling aficionados need not apply. I don't care how you feel about your mother.

Has your ambition outstripped your identity? Does your wardrobe define your personality? If yes, you are not one of my tribe. I am smart, fast, funny. You are talented, well read, excitable. Clueless helps. No blondes.