Before Now

I did not go to the studio today. I was too cold and I just wanted to stay inside. I fell asleep in the middle of the day and I had a dream about my grandmother's house. In the dream I was watching television, The Daily Show, just as I had been when I fell asleep. I was sitting on the couch in the dark and when I got up, I noticed what I thought was a large, long-legged spider on me. When I looked more closely at it, it was a very tiny, thin-legged crab. I brushed it off and as I did so, I noticed that they were all over the couch.

In an earlier part of the dream, I was outdoors, trying to figure out a way to turn off an electric fence without touching it.

But none of that has anything to do with the carving above, a bisqued retablo of the Virgin of Guadalupe. I did that before Christmas and I intended to paint it with acrylics, but I never did. Now it's just sitting on the kitchen table, buried under other work and art supplies.

I was supposed to and didn't go to therapy with Dave tonight, to the couples therapist that we've been seeing for about seven weeks. I don't like the woman, actually, though Dave does, and I've been forcing myself to go through the motions for his sake. I couldn't do that today, for whatever reason, so I sent Dave off to see her alone. He said that kind of "freaked her out," but whatever. He said she was going to call me, and I was, like, that's a bit too above and beyond for a therapist as far as I'm concerned. But again, whatever.  I don't like her in part because in a ninety minute therapy session, she's the one who does most of the talking. Ninety bucks an hour is a bit to expensive for a lecture, I think. The other reason I don't like her is because though she and Dave have a great rapport, I think I scare her a bit by being so outspoken and consequently she hasn't once asked me about my experience. I end up sitting there, the odd man out, basically parroting what this woman wants me to say, acting like a dumb little mannequin. Couldn't do it today, not even for Dave's sake.

I hate the whole fucking dirty racket today, you know. I'm sick of it today.